Smack Talk Centre-Raw
Monday Night Raw #1054: August 5, 2013!!!
Let me tell you something about me: I love hip hop, I come from the era where every artist came different, had their own style and was being ORIGINAL. there was no biting… (what’s this got to do with wrestling) shut up and let me finish…??? Hip Hop is about EXPRESSION. Scratch that – Madonna did a tune called Express Yourself. That’s what Daniel Bryan be doing. EXPRESSING HIMSELF. He loves his beard, his crazy hair, and his wild technical wrestling style. NO ONE wilds out like Danielson, and the McMahons realise this that he is on the edge of being THE MAN of the company. So now they want to give him a makeover, try to mould him and be this corporate dude… THAT AIN’T GONNA WORK!!!! Just like I said last week, look what happened with Austin!!!! My advice to Danielson…. Tell the McMahon dem seh – DO YOU… BECAUSE YOU CAN’T DO ME!!!!
DON’T MAKE DEM CUT YOUR BEARD DANIELSON! RAW #1054! HOLD DAT – BLAOW!!!
Well actually the makeover could have been a lot worse! Danielson comes out sporting a suit, his hair gelled back, and his beard is INTACT!! Maybe a woman’s touch works right??? Stephanie fix him up!!!! And Brie Bella couldn’t do that??? Yo Brie you may need to watch your girlfriend!!!! That goes for you Triple! Watch your wife! You saw what happened with her and Kurt!!!
Wait a minute – here comes Vincent Kennedy!!! And he’s not entirely satisfied!!! He wants the beard shaved off!!!! Vincent Kennedy sends for the barber chair… and tells Danielson – “GET IN THE CHAIR!!!!” I’m gonna be saying that all week!!!!! HA! HA! Did the beard go??? HELL NAWWWWW! Wack Barrett was gonna do the honors but Danielson beat him down and shaved half his beard! Next minute he reveals his new shirt – a dart thrown at Cena here – ‘THE BEARD IS HERE!!!’ at the front, and ‘YES! YES! YES!’ at the back!!! So that’s the rumoured heel turn of Bryan out the window!
Now this is interesting… Christian is already #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Title…but Rob Van Dam beat Bertie! WHOA!!! I smell a triple threat match brewing… but wait there – Ricardo baited up the match for Bertie! He didn’t mean it to go down that way, but Bertie kicked him down! Beat him down! Threw him out the ring! Placed his head between the steel steps and the ring post – ran up and kicked him – BLAOW!!!!!!! Oh lawd Ricardo – HE’S PROBABLY DEAD BY NOW!!!!
Now that Cody Rhodes has turned face, he finally has a voice???? Ok Cody you have given me joke by throwing Sandow’s briefcase in the drink… and you had Sandow crying like a b!tch…. you brought the briefcase back and it’s all mash-up! The contract looks like it was fed to the fishes! Oh dear! How is Sandow gonna cash in his cheque now???? This needs to be addressed at the Board of Directors! But the crowd didn’t look interested at all in the storyline…. DISRESPECT!!!!!
Ok RYBACK! MY HERO MARK HENRY! But the tables are turned! This time Ryback is the villain! Mark Henry is my hero! GET HIM MARK!!!! unfortunately as Henry was battering him, Ryback took foot and run gone…. these two gonna clash again at Summerslam surely! SEND FOR THE STIPULATION! Mark Henry don’t like that count out sh!t…. w’happen Ryback? Your belly full????
While Cena is in the ring talking sh!t, lets talk about the divas for a hot minute… the Bella Twins, they are up their own arse ain’t they??? They so fine… first I’m saying hi… then I’m waving goodbye…. but did you see Natalya drop that slap in Brie’s face – BLAOW!!!!!! Bwoy they need to get up off the Hamster Wheel!
Oh right – back to Cena… he was talking something about – he’s been 5 moves of dooming jabronies since January and Summerslam will be no different…Randall appears and lets Cena know who got the cheque, and the Shield think this segment was WACK so they thought justice must be served, next minute Danielson runs through… now here I was waiting for Teddy Long to say “Now hold on a minute playas” and announce a 6-man tag… but Brad Maddox has already learnt well!
Hold up – The Wyatt Family are in a match???? WHOA!!! Er Cameron! Naomi! come and seek sanctuary!!!!
Enough of that sh!t – It seems that The Wyatt Family have brought back the true essence of my hero Kane!!!! First PPV for Bray – and he’s fighting Kane in an INFERNO MATCH?????? Hear Michael Cole – “What does he mean by ring of fire??!!!” Michael Cole you get the OFFICIAL DYAM ARSE AWARD!!!!
So that’s why my baby mother turned evil… she wants ATTENTION… Layla baby I always rise at attention!!! I understand though… I’ve been busy lately, yes I am writing for an indy female wrestler, but that’s BUSINESS. I’m still #AllAboutThat with you baby!!!! Don’t get it twisted!
Gotta say AJ & Layla -or should I say Lay-J skipping all over the ring after they beat down Kaitlyn is BRILLIANT!
While Christian is beating down Heath Slater I just wanna say HAPPY BORN DAY to fellow admin of the Smack Talk Centre and bossman of the BDSIR Network – Mike KNOXXX – the championship belt KING!!! That’s right – spelt with three X’s because he’s HARDCORE! SALUTE MY NINJA!!!
THE CLAWS ARE OUT! “LET’S GO PUNK!!!!” It’s clobbering time! Time to go Wolverine on Curtis Axel!!!
You know what? As I watch this match, and I see the evil look on Heyman’s face, and Punk hell-bent on destroying his former mentor, I remember the film Unleashed with Jet Li and Bob Hoskins….
…and just as Jet Li gets his hands on Bob Hoskins… HERE COMES THE PAIN!!!! That music hits and IT’S ON!!!! CM Punk & Brock Lesnar! David & Goliath! But this ain’t the bible! This is WWE!!! It looked like Punk was kicking Punk all over the ring, but then he saw Heyman…. NO Punk forget him for now!!! Oh no Brock got him – F5 – BLAOW!!!! Brock nah dun!!! “HURT HIM!!!” says Heyman! Brock with the steel chair – hit Punk in his back – BLAOW! hit him again – BLAOW! hit him again – BLAOW!!!!!! WROOOOOOOOOOY!!!! Big ups to my girl Renée Young who had to interview Heyman and his boys! Hey Renee baby girl! Come and interview me… let’s get to the sex questions!!! Well Brock told Heyman to say something stupid, and maybe he has! Next week – Heyman Vs CM Punk??? that’s gotta be walking into Death Row surely!
Summer Rae DON’T START ME WITH THEM LEGS!!! You gotta n!**@ wilding right now! Hold on – Michael Cole just said that Summer Rae loves Kofi Kingston’s fighting style and his new attire? Kofi…. now’s the time to put that Jafakecan accent on! I swear I would ravish that woman!!! I’d F**K Summer Rae… I LOVE LAYLA!!!
Notice I didn’t mention Fandumbgay? HA!
You know it’s all eyes on the main event at Summerslam, Vincent Kennedy is mad involved in it… I forgot that Triple is out to counter whatever dastardly plan Vincent Kennedy is trying to pull!!!!
Oh no what are these three racist idiots doing out here??? Ok let me go and get a drink…
Hang on – their opponents are the Usos??? BRILLIANT! KILL THEM USOS!!!!
F**K! How the F**K that these so-called Real Americans beat the Usos??? Yo Rikishi you gonna have to get involved in this rude boy! I would so love that!
Yes! that contest between Ziggler and Langston sweet me! You know why? Because Kaitlyn came back to beat down the happy-go-lucky skipping psychopath AJ, everything went haywire, and it enabled Langston to hit Ziggler with the super move – BLAOW!!!! That goes to show that YOUR HERO – THAT PINK PANTY WEARING BATTYBWOY IS TRULY A PU$$Y! He can’t fight by himself! He is weak!!!!! BIG UP LANGSTON!
Ladies and gentlemen… IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT’S TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!!!! 6-MAN TAG TEAM CONTEST, IN THE WWE, HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION! ORTON! DANIELSON! CENA! SHIELD! LET’S GO!!!
Ah forget about it – you wanna wrestling match? Check for Ring of Honor… because this became all out RUCKUS! And just when the three top guys of the WWE had the Shield shook, Randall already dun warned Cena & Bryan – I can cash in my cheque ANY TIME.. RKO to both Cena & Bryan – BLAOW!!!! And any time could have meant right there and then… because the voices in his head were saying – ‘CASH IT IN NOW!!!’ But the Shield came back to pick up the pieces! I guess Randall is a patient man!
Now the question is out there in the IWC – has Randall turned evil???? I wouldn’t say so… because he dun warned them what would happen. The crowd didn’t necessarily like what happened out there, but for Randall, it’s going his way and that’s what he wants…. it’s more a slow-ish heel turn if you ask me… but he STILL isn’t cashing the cheque in at Summerslam, I’m standing by my prediction… but either way, it’s a win-win for the Infamous Informer. No point getting worked up and angry about it….. to me it’s just storyline progress… and don’t forget the Triple Teef factor as well…
IT DON’T GET NO BETTER! STC 4 LIFE…..BEEEEEEEATCHHHHH!
DISCLAIMER: ALL OPINIONS EXPRESSED BY THE INFAMOUS INFORMER DO NOT NECESSARILY REPRESENT OR REFLECT THE VIEWS OF THE WWE OR/AND THE SMACK TALK CENTRE.