The Jobber Blogger #80 – TNA: IMPACT WRESTLING – 5/12/13

Jobber Blogger logo2

 by DiVineDiablo

And so we hit the big 80! Yes, you can now officially read the last 80 TNA: Impact Wrestling shows and PPV’s, where I recap them with bad jokes, racist slurs and the occasional funny picture!

I do often get asked what I do, and to be fair, I don’t really know how to describe it. I hate the word “Blog”, that makes it sounds like an emotional piece about my feelings. Or it could be a “blog” about something I like, which it is, but in a way that I blab on endlessly about how my opinions are superior. I can’t stand “Reviews” who cares, sure if you’re a employed individual actually working and attending shows, and hopefully with a lick of knowledge about the thing you “review” then you might be able to garnish a minimal amount of credibility. But the chances of that happening are rather slim, at best they are known as “opinions”. And sure, this is my opinion, but it’s also utterly Worthless, if you agree, awesome, if you don’t awesome, it’s designed to Entertain! And Entertain I shall! I dread to think I would end up like some over-weight, unemployed, lonely, hairy man sat at his Computer filming himself talking about the Wrestling Show, and what happened, and his opinions on it. Do people even watch that? I find it embarrassing, I’m embarrassed for those people!

I have no line to stay either side of, I don’t even know the meaning of the word Embarrassed, I would as happily fart in a supermarket as I would be “wrong” about something.

Well, as my nifty Computer skills and keyboard shortcuts nearly deleted my opening Paragraph, I think it’s about time to get started on the Subject at hand.

Impact Wrestling Logo


Well it’s now the 10th of December, a whole 5 Days have passed since Impact aired in the US, and what have I done with my life. Regardless, it appears the last few days have been more relevant for the “internet rumours” that boil over and plague the people that read them. What makes it worse is that people moan about things happening in Wrestling, and knowing everything. Well here’s a bit of Advice… don’t read the Rumours. Though do continue to read my “Blog” because I happen to spill the truth in a eloquently, well pronounced, grammatically decadent  manor, mange-tout.

It will be great when people can over-come the pit-falls of a mouthy internet community and actually do things people don’t expect. It seems everything is about AJ Styles’ contract negotiations, what Hulk Hogan is up to, people slagging things off, Jeff Hardy leaving, Billy Corgan buying TNA.

It’s ridiculous, no-one knows what so ever what the truth behind any of it is, and aside from the fun fact of just reading fun facts, does it really matter? Did you know Stone Cold Steve Austin got the idea for his Character from Walt Disney’s original version of Mickey Mouse, which after the success of Snow White, he paid off German pirates to bury the evidence in Texas?

Mickey 316

Hell, Miley Cyrus has even been spotted hurtling across the Lockness on the back of Nessy

Miley Ness

Not to mention if you spell Rubbish backwards then speak it as it sounds and then as it is normally spelled, it sounds like death threats sung to you from Engelbert Humperdinck


It’s like they say, “Sticks and Stones may break my bones, and if you throw any I’ll Run you Over!”

Impact opened with a rather bizarre almost “Apple Mac” intro with a whole bunch of strange expressionless CG modeled Kurt Angle’s watching Jeff Hardy on a big Screen.

Impact Opening

And funny enough, Kurt Angle then made his way to the ring and spoke about how Austin Aries “gave him the fight of his life” which is rubbish, as their match wasn’t that good. Though of course Kurt Angle has been his own worst Enemy of late bettering himself in most every match.

Angle Defeated

Angle then went on to address his opponent for Tonight; Magnus. And it was the usual Heel turn BS of Angle blabbing about how close the two of them are given the Main Event Mafia connection, then Magnus blabbing about how much respect he has. If the internet doesn’t ruin the show then naff forced dialogue like this always does. Kurt also questioned Magnus leaving him last week with his knee injury, and that real champions Wrestle injured, and questioned his heart. It is quite obvious how all of this is going to play out, but hey, we knew all that anyway.

What is more interesting though is Bobby Roode getting involved, telling Magnus that doing things the right way, aren’t always the best way. So it’s an interesting thing for Roode to perhaps corrupt Magnus and he will in fact take the short Road in his inevitable World Title win.

Bobby Roode vs. Jeff Hardy – World Title Tournament – Tables Match

I actually wasn’t expecting Roode and Jeff to go first, I had thought Roode would screw Angle out of the Tournament first, thus Roode feeling his biggest threat is out of the way, and then of course Angle getting even and costing Roode. But to have Jeff defeat Roode on his own works more for Roode being the Sore Loser.

I didn’t really make a lot of notes on this match, but looking back over the Tournament, though it has been good, it started out great with Hardy and Sabin in Full Metal Mayhem putting on a Match of the Year candidate quality Match, and then hasn’t reached close to that standard since.

If anything the worst competitor in the Series is indeed Magnus. Given all of the “He’s the future” talk, and given the length and time they have gone to push and develop him, Magnus isn’t close to even being involved in any Matches that stand out to me this year. That means he’s not going to be in any category I look at when I write my “Best Of’s” in a few weeks time. Kind of ironic really.

Both Roode and Hardy fell off the Ring Apron and through a Table at the same time, which is good, but what we didn’t need was the pointless bickering of Three Referee’s over who won, rather than just saying, “it’s too close to call – match continues”. But that’s a little gripe, the highlight would be when Jeff was attempting his Swanton Bomb to put Roode through a Table, but Roode rolled off in time, so Jeff just leapt over the table and landed on Roode in the middle of the ring.

The end came when Jeff kicked Roode and he fell of the apron through a table. Sure it was slightly more “jazzed up” then the description I gave, but I’m proud of the tone I achieved.

Ethan Carter the Third vs. Earl Hebner

Well this is the match that some Radio guys I never heard of decided to pick apart. Which then led them to slag off TNA in many ways. But whatever, they don’t watch the show, and I totally understand this not being everyone’s thing. What bugged me the most about their little rant was the fact that the only Wrestling fan amongst them was sickened to find his friend watched TNA.As TNA would give off a bad impression. I still find it hard to see why people who watch TNA think it’s utter tripe, but watch WWE. And it’s the same people that complain about how the WWE isn’t as good as it used to be, but then TNA reminds me of what WWE used to be… so I am confused. But it’s probably the same people that love to praise ECW And hey, ECW sucked.

I can’t stand ECW, I hate what it stands for, but I also am extremely happy it existed. I don’t get how people can like ECW and then complain about TNA. Because TNA is 300% the company ECW was. I like that Paul Heyman was smart enough to work a way around the low money they had, that’s creative and ingenious. I love that about ECW, and I respect that about Paul Heyman. Most importantly is that ECW had some amazing Talent, but the best thing about that amazing Talent is that they took the first offer to get out of ECW while they could. Bully, Devon, Taz, Van Dam are of course the top names. Foley, Austin, sure, but I don’t feel they fall under the same belt. ECW was a mess, where it’s only deciding difference is that their employees hit chairs over their heads, jumped in barbed wire, set themselves on fire and made themselves bleed with cheese graters and staplers.  None of that falls into Wrestling, and as the years went on, that Wrestling style evolved, and it’s far better because of it. If you have thugs, drunks, drunk thugs, idiots and untrained individuals involved with your company, then you’re not worthy of anything.ECW is like Star Wars, more negative than positive.

Though without getting into a big rant about Star Wars, let’s get back to this match.

EC3 made Brian Hebner come out to referee the match, Earl lay down, EC3 won, Rockstar spud blabbed on about things. Spud is pretty good thus far, I am impressed. I didn’t really care for this, but I don’t think you’re supposed to, the point is to make you hate EC3, more and more, and then eventually he is going to get what’s coming to him.

But to move away from ranting, let’s get to the highlight of this match, where EC3 threw his hanky at Earl and completely missed!

EC3 Throw

Bad Influence continue their quest to ruin Joseph Park’s life and uncover the mystery of it all. Which is rather odd, because I honestly expected this to not hit the level it did so quickly, let alone Park to turn up. And Park did turn up, and just asked them both to leave him alone. Park is awesome with Character work, he pulls off the crazy man, and he pulls off the nervousness of Joseph Park, and with this, he really managed to get you behind him, as Kaz and Daniels just continued to lay in the insults.

Park tore up some “evidence” they had, but of course we were treated to a lovely video of Bad Influence visiting the offices of Park, Park and Park. Where the big secret was, there were no offices, and the only trace of his so called law firm was when it closed down 13 years ago. No idea quite where this is going, but it’s taken a sort of “horror story” turn, and it’s certainly going to be interesting to see how it plays out. And then they started to beat up Joseph Park, coz it’s Wrestling. Eric Young hit the ring and challenged them to a Tag-Team match next week… which in the grand scheme of things doesn’t really solve anything.

Bromans (w/ DJ Zema Ion) vs. James Storm and Gunner

Earlier in the show Dixie Carter brought back “Feast of Fired” where James Storm, Gunner, Chavo, Norv and Dewey will all take place in choosing Brief Cases next week, 4 of them containing Championship Matches, and one of them being a Pink Slip to be Fired.

I will bet here and now, James Storm gets fired and somehow Gunner will have a hand in it. Thus taking Storm off of TV, following Hardy, AJ, maybe Sting, and even Joe, who knows? And Dixie will have this Heel TNA with Magnus at the helm before the TNA Originals and “good guys” take a stand and come back. Could be wrong.. it’s all rumours.

The Bromans are quickly becoming my favourite Team, but I have to be honest, the concept of Zema Ion being a ring-side DJ is what sealed the deal. His “When I say Bro, you say Mans’!” chant was excellent, with the crows providing nothing but dead silence.

The fact Zema continues to blare out the Horn noise during the match is great, it would only be better if he could have different sounds too to make it even more distracting, but it really makes the Bromans stand out as something completely different as a Team.

Storm was closing in on a victory as he hit the “Last Call” Superkick on Jesse, but Robbie E spat a mouthful of Beer in the face of Gunner, who then snapped attacking Robbie E and pushed the Ref out of the way to do so, getting Storm and Gunner DQ’d.

Impact also had a good selection of Backstage segments, Samuel Shaw and Christy Hemme’s date, she went to use the “restroom” and Sam played with his knife before threatening the Waiter he would kill him if he didn’t stop looking at Christy. Part of me hoped he would just draw disturbing pictures on his napkin, but alas, it wasn’t to be.

The highlight backstage though was Sting trying to get into Kurt Angle’s Locker-Room for a chat, but Rockstar Spud wouldn’t allow him to pass. This marks Spud’s and Sting’s first on screen encounter, and it worked really well.

Gail Kim (w/ Lei’D Tapa) vs. Laura Dennis

I forget what happened before the match, but we saw Gail and Robert Irvine, who I can only assume is her husband, talking about Gail’s greatness and pursuit of a worthy Challenger.

The big news is that Robert Irvine, British Celebrity chef who is 13 years older than Gail Kim and divorced must be extremely rich… if that’s not the case.. then I don’t get why else she’d be with him?

Gail Irvine

Laura Dennis looked familiar to me… I don’t know why though as I can’t find anything out about her I would have known previously. Though she normally Wrestlers under the name “Cherry Bomb” which is much better, maybe she used her real name because she uses that name on the indies and ROH etc.

Still, she seemed rather good, if she used her normal ring name and gimmick, I think she would fit in really well with the Knockouts division.

Of course Gail won though, and then her and Lei’D Tapa continued to beat her up till ODB showed up and took the fight to the both of them. I am sure they are building ODB vs. Tapa, which should be awesome when it happens!

Magnus vs. Kurt Angle – World Title Tournament – Last Man Standing Match

They are certainly pushing the whole “Angle wants World Championship to be Worthy of Hall of Fame” thing.

This was a straight forward “Wrestling” only Last Man Standing match, which was quite nice to see rather than the typical “Weapons” version. Though I do prefer those.

The story was that Magnus took a good few risks but his knee seemed to be just fine, and then of course the poor Referee got knocked down.  And what do you know, Bobby Roode turned up, dropped Kurt with his “Driver Cutter” awesome move, and then Magnus won.

Roode then attacks Kurt all the more and Jeff Hardy shows up to save the day. I am sort of fed up of Hardy always being the “go-to good guy” to help anyone out. Jeff worked really well as a Heel, I sort of miss that.

And to close the show, Dixie Carter received her World Title Belt which had requested AJ send back to her. Aside from the fact it was blatantly obvious how this segment was going to play out, they did it anyway. A little stupid given that the Belts are made from gold and weigh a ton. So get one in a tiny box she put on her lap and still didn’t realise it wasn’t inside, is a little dumb.

But alas, she got a Toy Version of the old TNA Championship. And then AJ had one of those “From the Friend’s Of” things.

I am starting to feel all of this was irrelevant and knowing how it will end seems kind of stupid.

But hey, it is after all TNA: Wrestling!

And that’s why we watch it… isn’t it?

I don’t know anymore.

Till Then!

Dan Wilkinson

TNR Cover 12


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