So then wrestling fans! Did you enjoy watching the Talking Dead? Seeing your boy Philip all up on the panel? You got your Vaseline there applying it to your genitalia? But you couldn’t cum because he mentioned absolutely NOTHING about WWE or his return? Like I told you last week…
Deep down you know it’s best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of Punk being with someone else
But you know that it’s over
You know that it was through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn!!!!!
GRANT BODY – P!!!
Ok enough of that sh!t!!! I got my Jamaican ginger cake, strawberry cheesecake for when the diva dem come on! RAW #1086!! HOL’ DAT – BLAOW!!!
Hold up – my friend Batista has just cussed down Triple for possibly making it a Triple Threat match? Last time I checked Batista, you STOLE Danny/CM Punk’s spot, that’s why the fans them turn dem back pon yuh!
Even Randall has come out here cussing! Triple is trying to tell them it ain’t gonna happen! All we need now is Ric Flair to come out here! Then lo and behold, another RAW moment!
OH MY DAYS!!! I have just heard the most f**ked up scenario in this segment! Danny – you MUST defeat the evil Triple TEEF!!!! Because if you don’t , then TRIPLE will enter the championship match!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Evolution in the main event???? OH MY GOD NO!!!! That’s Internet Wrestling Armageddon!!!!! This must NEVER HAPPEN AT ALL COSTS! PEOPLE!!! WE MUST SUPPORT WRESTLEMANIA! NO STREAMING ALLOWED!!! Batista BEX! Now he realizes that it’s a mistake returning in the first place! I can hear the IWC right now: “Yeah and f**k off to where you came from…” Sounds borderline racist doesn’t it!!!
In the end of the Real Americans Vs Uso Brudda contest, one man fly over the ring and clocks Swagger, but the other Uso Brudda tried the same thing, but got caught by Cesaro’s SHO-RYU-KEN!!!! Oh dear!!!! US-NOOOOO!!!!
Hold up – they be advertising that WWE Slam City animated thing, and they say – the same WWE Attitude????!!!!!! Better choose your words carefully WWE? You know the IWC catch on to everything!
What the f**k did Barrett say? Inebriated???? Did I even spell that right? Yes people, that means intoxicated! I need to use that word!!!!
Shout out to Hornswoggle (better known to me as Little Bastard) remember that? That’s his TV14 name by the way! Gotta represent for St Patrick’s Day! That day means nothing to me – due to my health issues I cannot drink alcohol, particularly Guinness!
Oh hang on – was Titus O’Neill and Sheamus fighting each other? Sorry I missed it…
OH NO! Arnold Schwarzenegger gonna be on Raw next week??? That brings back memories… doesn’t it Triple Teef??!!!!
WHOA!!!! John Cena is afraid of Bray Wyatt!!! He admits it!!! OH SNAP!!! Bray Wyatt says that Cena is filled with evil… HE’S RIGHT! Look how he treats Nikki Bella!
GRANT BODY – P!!!
That is f**ked up!!!!! Bray Wyatt wearing a John Cena shirt????? What is it this week??? F**ked up week??? Wyatt said he wants to be like Cena! He wants to go back home to that ‘plastic girlfriend’ in the castle!!! A SHOT AT NIKKI BELLA!! If this was TV14 mode I know where I would take this storyline!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
GRANT BODY – P!!!
WTF was the dude sounding the ring bell for? It’s a NO DQ match between Randall and Danny! Tell him Randall! He should be fired straight away! Either that or drop an RKO on his @$$!
OH THAT WAS MAAAAD! Danny with the Kendo Stick, beating down Randall and kicking him down at the same time! accompanied with every YES! chant!
OH SNAP!! I thought my friend Batista left the building! Maybe he just needed fresh air… cleared his head top! Came back, speared Randall! Danny takes advantage, scores the win, but afterwards Batista took Randall, Batista bomb – BLAOW!!!! That makes it even now after Randall dropped the RKO on Batista earlier, notice – the crowd chanting – ONE MORE TIME! To Batista… I thought y’all hated him???? You fickle fools!!!!
Ok nice convincing video promo Paul Heyman! But your boy ain’t beating mine! Ok I’ll tell you right now – My name is the Infamous Informer, and I am the advocate of the man call – The UNNNNDERTAKERRRRR!!!!! I lead the Undertaker Million Man March… and if the recent Sting interview has anything to go by, Brock Lesnar WILL…REST…IN…PEACE!!! Saying that John Cena did want to fight Undertaker at WrestleMania 30… Ok Cena it’s not the desired reaper, but you’re fighting a different reaper nonetheless!
Even Stephanie is trying to make Triple Teef see sense! What if he wins the WWE World Heavyweight Title? What then???? Triple’s like – I GOT THIS! Stephanie’s like – ‘you better…’ well that means one of two things: One, this may trigger Vincent Kennedy to return, or two, Stephanie might leave him…and my phone might start ringing off!!!
GRANT BODY – P!!!
Big ups to Goldust, doing this wrestling sh!t for 20 years, and he brukk up Fandango! Fandango you WACK!!!! Go sidung! Summer Rae gon leave you, word up!
According to my hero Kane, it was Jerry Lawler that secretly helped Danny Bryan Occupy Raw last week… listen to JAY-BEE rub it in! Lawler’s innocent surely!
Injustice! Send for The Shield!!!! Jerry’s forced into the ring! Didn’t he have a heart attack some time ago???
SWITCH!!!! The Shield do what’s Best For Business! They turned on Kane and brukk him up!!! Dammit Kane why did you trade your sorcery for this Authority nonsense???!!! The Shield should be sh!t scared of your @$$! Has the Shield as a whole turned face? Thank goodness that rumoured triple threat match between the three isn’t happening at WrestleMania, sounds good but not epic enough for WrestleMania! Triple Power Bomb to Kane through the ring – BLAOW!!
YES! This is what I’ve waited for right here! Total Diva time! Naomi is back in effect as well, even though she’s gotta Gabrielle/Sagat thing going on with her eye! Remember this?
Listen to the Bella Twins trying to get Jay-Bee’s d!ck hard, telling him they got tattoos on their body, and inviting him to twitter to have a look pon their hinstagram!
Wait a minute – has Naomi got a new supermove??? a turnbuckle moonsault similar to what RVD does???
Now she has pinned AJ, now the champion wants to take it out on Tamina, you don’t wanna do that madam! Tamina pitches her down ONE TIME! Nikki Bella beat AJ, so has Naomi, I think Natalya has too! Where is this going??? I smell a divas championship scramble at WrestleMania! (come on Grant you’re not WWE creative!) Oh yeah… I’m not…sh!t…
BIG UPS TO MR T!!! NEWEST INDUCTEE IN THE HALL OF FAME!!! Excellent choice for the celebrity wing! Imagine that at big BIG WrestleMania XXX, Hulk Hogan, Mr T and The Ultimate Warrior will reunite! How crazy is that! DON’T THIS SH!T MAKE YOU WANNA…JUMP! JUMP!
Big E. Ryback. Curtis Axel. Dolph Ziggler. Sandow. Big Show. Bertie. My dude Mark Henry. All competing among a few more in the 30-Man Battle Royal. I wished they gave Sandow back the mic though… It’s Barrett that’s running away with that though!
Wait a minute – Batista just said to my girl Renée Young that he’s never quit anything of his life????? Are you sure about that my friend???
It hurts me to say this Batista but…. GET IN THE CH… Oh wait….
OH SNAP!!! Undertaker on WWE Main Event this week? You know I gotta watch that! I don’t check for Main Event!
WTF? Is that an Eminem track for this John Cena Vs Bray Wyatt match for WrestleMania???? Back foot!!! Is that a hint that Eminem might be in the building in New Orleans? Probably performing for Cena’s entrance? More likely we might get a performance from Kid Rock too… Cena is fighting for his legacy? WTF does that mean? Now they tryna make it out like it’s a big profile match… now all the Eminem purists are hunting that Legacy tune down as we speak… unless of course it’s already on the MMLP2 album that the Infamous Informer thinks it’s not all that it is hyped up to be… (it is on the album Grant…) oh seen!
Now it’s time for some real talk from Danny and Triple…
So you mean to tell me that all this sh!t that Triple did to Danny, was apparently Best For Business… not personal… but you see Triple, if you just let Danny become champion in the first place your business would have boomed!!!!! And I thought we would go through a show without a CM Punk chant… oh snap – Stephanie called the cops on Danny! Put the handcuffs on him, but here’s the twist – they’re not real cops! They just guys from developmental! And now, Triple TEEF went and destroyed a helpless Daniel Bryan! Have you heard of the art of fighting without fighting? Well this was the art of using the hammer without USING THE HAMMER!!! Look at Stephanie with those b!tch slaps! The look on her face! That is straight Vincent Kennedy! The EVIL TRIPLE TEEF that I hated in 1999/2000/2001 is back in full effect in 2014!!! You mean to tell me that this is simply gonna be a single match at WrestleMania? NO WAY. That beatdown was personal. THAT NO GOOD SON OF A B!TCH!!! JR would have went OFF!!!
It might mean ‘Call to The Kingdom’ in Latin, but when I see it displayed on Triple’s titantron it simply means to me ‘UUUUUSE DE HAMMER!’
IT DON’T GET NO BETTER! STC 4 LIFE…..BEEEEEEEATCHHHHH!
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DISCLAIMER: ALL OPINIONS EXPRESSED BY THE INFAMOUS INFORMER DO NOT NECESSARILY REPRESENT OR REFLECT THE VIEWS OF THE WWE, THE SMACK TALK CENTRE OR BDSIR NETWORK.