Tag Archives: Elias

Monday Night Raw #1305, May 28, 2018!!!

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HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY SEXY LADIES AND WRESTLING JABRONIES!

Do you know what I remember? When Xavier Woods whooped The Miz @$$ on Street Fighter and took his Intercontinental Title! They recently had a rematch…this is what happened…

GRANT BODY-P!

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RAW 1305! I’m not tryna be on the YouTube tip… Street Fighter 30th anniversary is out! Don’t let me spend Tuesday watching this wrestling sh!t!

Oh f**k… so I end up watching this wrestling sh!t on a Tuesday and I got the blodclart game… ok let’s get through this as quick as possible…

Wait a minute – Elias almost swore on TV and the producers didn’t catch it!

Looks like you’re gonna sit there all night waiting for the pin drop… but you heard – BURN IT DOWN!!!!! Leave the building Elias… Monday Night Rollins is here!

This week’s contestant: Jinder Mahal. JINDER MAHAL!!! Remember the rules! You must always say his name like that!

Once again Jinder’s bredrin got caught teefin! GET OUUUUUUUUTTTTTT!

JINDER MAHAL TEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!!!!! he used the steel chair to the gut of Seth Rollins!

Wait a minute – I thought my dude was dashed out of the arena! REF STOP THE MATCH NOW!

Rollins is looking at the chair… he’s thinking f**k it – you f**k with my brudda Double R… I’m gonna f**k YOU UP! F**K THE TITLE MATCH!

Seth is beating this muthaf***a down because he’s so dyam teef!

HOLD UP! ELIAS TEEEEEEEEEEEEEF! He appeared out of nowhere and used the guitar to lick down Rollins! Rollins fell from the announce table off the stage! OH SNAP!!!

Rollins with neck brace wrapped around him, is trying to walk out on his own power! The crowd singing happy birthday to Seth Rollins! YES! It IS HIS BIRTHDAY! Do you think for one minute he can use the bathroom by himself?

GRANT BODY-P!

Unlucky Ascension! They actually put on a good showing against The Deletion Of Worlds…but this sh!t is boring me – I need Wyatt and Matt Hardy to start f**k!n with people… wrestling matches is all well and good but that sh!t means nothing without storyline!

Chad Gable is getting buss arse every week… when the f**k is Jason Jordan gonna show up and help his bredrin?

Question – I’m only seeing what YouTube allows me to – is Kevin Owens doing that sh!t with the camera on live tv what he does on house shows? That would be wild!

AAAH SHEEEEEEEEEEET! BRAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! He’s not finished with Kevin Owens! He’s gonna KILL!!!

If I was Bobby Roode – I’d get the f**k out too! It’s probably fun watching Kevin Owens get buss arse but this is BRAUN we are dealing with here!

I TOLD YOU!!!! See if that was me I would have haul @$$ to the top of the stage and celebrated at a distance!

He’s gonna be monster in the bank!!! Maybe he will win! It would be the most frightening cash in ever!!! I wouldn’t wanna be the World Wrestling Federation Universal champion let me tell ya! Even if your name is Brock Lesnar!

Finn Balor never lost the belt though! So he should have been up there from marnin!

HOLD UP! Finn Balor just slapped Braun! Oh my god  OHHH MYYYY GODDDDDD!!! YO YO YO!! SOMETHING’S HAPPENING!!!

Just before Braun could destroy Finn Balor… KUUUUUUURTT!!! Had to come out quicktime!

Aaah! So that’s why Braun f**ked up Kevin Owens! Because during this match, Kevin Owens was talking sh!t on the microphone!

Remember boys and girls – this is from YouTube, and the sequence of events are not in order!

…and then Kevin Owens proceeded to go to the ring and f**k up a good match between Strowman and Balor!

LAWWWWWWWWWWWWD!!!! If Owens got ketch by that ladder that Braun dashed after him – it would have been curtains for sure!!!

Sami Zayn is reading a letter of apology to the WWE Universe for his segment last week with Bobby Lashley… yeah that was straight GARBAGE! I’m sure Bobby never signed back up for this!

Is it me or is Sami growing his beard more? Oh my god no Sami! Just because it worked for Harry when he got Meghan doesn’t mean it’s gonna work for you!

GRANT BODY-P!

WHOA! maybe Sami Zayn was sincere! Ok apology accepted – that beard ain’t working for you homes – GET IN THE CHAIR!!!

He claims everything he said about Lashley was true though… last time somebody didn’t apologise for the truth – he got thrown in jail!

What a nice young man in Bobby Lashley! Held out his hand to Sami asking for a match at the Money inna bank… he’s all smiling and sh!t… but then the smile disappears… uh-oh!

He’s crushing the bones in Zayn’s hand! How is Zayn gonna wrestle??? DON’T JUST STAND THERE YOU NINCOMPOOP – STOP HIM!

Women’s Gauntlet Match! winner goes to Money In The Bank…

Hold up – one Bayley to Bayley move later to Liv Morgan and it’s over? Why did these NXT gyal come to main roster in the first place? Unimportant – On to the next one!

WTF? Bayley is making these Riot girls look like b!tches! rolled up Sarah Logan like a pretzel!

ON TO THE NEXT ONE!

Clearly they didn’t like being treated like b!tches, and Ruby Riott picking up the scraps…

Dana Brooke comes on, and 2 second later gets kicked in her head… what is going on here? They might as well do the catwalk , pose, turn back round up the ramp and gone again!

Mickie James didn’t fall for the tricks, but gets her panty pulled for the pin! Come on Mickie look how long you have been in the game and you fall for that?

Sasha Banks, with the most sellotape on her shoulder… had this match won but the Riott Squad tried to teef!

AND THAT’S A TAP FROM THE BANK STATEMENT! Sasha Banks is going to Money In the Bank! I would say that Bayley may cost Sasha going forward but I’m not sure yet…

IMG-20180528-WA0001

I don’t know who that is but GOD DAYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!

Hold up  who is that chick trying to put Nia Jax in the arm bar???? I don’t know who that is but GOD DAYUUUUUUUUUUM!

Nia trying to show Rousey that she’s no match! Rousey is just smiling like – it’s all good!

“If I wanted, this leg could crush a woman’s chest…”

No no no Nia! SAVE THE T!TT!£$!!!!!

Look at Rousey she BEX! But Nia finds it humorous! Maybe Alexa was right – Nia IS THE REAL BULLY!

Now if you excuse me, I’m off to play that old school Street Fighter you get me! Because THAT’S WHAT I DO!!!!

Oh snap – I forgot to talk about this B-team Barbecue… this sh!t is only gonna turn into a food fight… and there are kids – including myself starving!

F**k this – about that Street Fighter game…

 

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Monday Night Raw #1293, March 5, 2018!!!

Smack Talk Centre-Raw!!

I hope you die-hard wrestling fans hate me, that’s ok, because I hate you right back!

This is what I don’t understand, you see 30 second squash matches on RAW every other week, hell – Sheamus defeated Danny Bryan in 18 seconds at WrestleMania 28 for crying out loud. And yet, you muthaf***az are complaining on the internet over something that happened at a HOUSE SHOW, which you never witnessed live (unless you were in the building of course) you never PAID FOR IT, and above all else, you UK FANS were SNOWED IN! You weren’t moving anywhere! With that said…

SEAN PRICE - STFU

Oh wait, I do understand… it was in Chicago, the place where they worship some guy who doesn’t give a f**k about them…

GRANT BODY-P!

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RAW 1293! What’s this I hear about a 50-man Royal Rumble????? Saudi Arabia be making major moves star!

Greatest Royal Rumble

I got cookies, a cup of soup, and a Jamaica Ginger Cake with custard for later! LET’S DO THIS SH!T KURK!

KURT IS CALLING TRIPLE TEEF OUT! HE’S BACKED OFF HIS JACKET TOO!

Wait a minute – Kurt stripping off clothes and Stephanie comes out here? We know you want Kurt to f**k you one more time!

GRANT BODY-P!

Listen to Stephanie wukkin brain! Know Your Role Kurt! Make matches Kurt! Use your head Kurt!

Ronda Rousey is all smiles! She must have had sex earlier!

GRANT THAT IS ENOUGH!

Hold on – Ronda said her debut match at WrestleMania -she can choose anyone she wanted! Er… Stephanie??

Wait a minute – I thought Triple wasn’t here yet!

Oh no! Turns out Stephanie has a second contract as a WWE Superstar! Same with Triple H! Kurt is doing his job – he’s making the matches!!!

There it is! Triple & Stephanie Vs Kurt & Ronda Rousey at the big BIG WrestleMania! (yes we already knew that because we read the dirt sheets) But the way they dropped it – I was marking the f**k out! Kurt got Triple in the ankle lock, Stephanie tried to teef but Rousey caught her with the Samoan Drop! HOLY SMOKES!

F**k that – I’m ready for the Big BIG WrestleMania! JUST LIKE THAT!

Now Asuka is here! GOD DAYUUUUUM SHE FINE!

Mike Cole promoting Ninja Warrior? PAY MAKOTO NAGANO HIS MONEY!

Makoo Nagano

Oh lawd Nia Jax is killing Asuka! SHE WANTS TO KILL!!!! But Asuka got the Triangle chokehold! She won’t let go! It’s locked in for the longest! Nia tried to fight out but Asuka transitioned into an arm bar!!!! SHE’S GONNA BREAK THE ARM! Nia had to tap out! If I was Asuka – I would run for the hills! Alexa Bliss looks like urine gonna leave her vagina and go down her leg!

GRANT BODY-P!

You gotta be kidding me! The almighty Nia Jax CRYING? What is this?!!!! Where are you Shadfather – console this woman!

Shout out to the cute girl who works at Iceland ‘Natalie’ I think her name is – can’t remember – I did my shopping today, I saw the 3 for £2 offer on the cookies, now normally the cashier is like ‘Do you have an Iceland Card?’ Or ‘would you like a bag?’ Not this chick… I know it’s all about service with a smile but she’s like ‘enjoy your cookies!’ Aaah bless her… if I was single…

GRANT BODY-P!

I honestly thought The Revival would be next in line for the titles and go to big BIG WrestleMania… wow.. you NXT guys are allowed to complain on the internet…

I know John Cena is a free agent… but I think he’s taking the p!$$ coming on RAW to explain his WrestleMania plans… you’re fighting on Smackdown homie!

Yes crowd – boo this man! He doesn’t need to be on RAW!!!!

Ok he suggests I listen…

Uh-oh – he’s out to break Ric Flair’s title reigns… I don’t think Ric Flair cares… you saw him in that 21 Savage video!

John Cena wants that Triple Threat match! He wants to Shatter the dreams of die-hard wrestling fans who want AJ Styles Vs Strong Style!

Talking of Shattered Dreams… I don’t understand why Goldust  is out here! Very random…

John Cena looks as confused as us! So confused that he went down after Goldust boxed him!

Careful John – Goldust might have Victoria Secret underneath that outfit!

GRANT BODY-P!

Why did Goldust even bother… he was so much more entertaining when he had the hots for Rowdy Roddy Piper…

Elias speaks the truth! Music brings us together, not tear us apart!

Elias vs Braun in a Symphony of Destruction match! Well as long as RZA’s 36 Chambers studios are not involved… that goes for 9th Wonder’s Jamla studios…

Congratulations to Hillbilly Jim hitting the Hall of fame… he doesn’t mean a damn thing to me but there you go…

Corey Graves just called Mandy Rose – God’s Greatest Creation… There is no doubt – Mandy Rose is hot…but I believe God created something even greater…

tiffany haddish

Meet Tiffany Haddish guys… star of the film ‘Girl Trip’ – she is sexy as f**k and she is funny as hell. LOOK AT THAT… OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

What’s wrong with you Bayley? Sasha saved your clart! You refuse her hug? Oh well come hug me Sasha god dayuuuuum!!!

Big BIG WrestleMania 34

Elias can play every instrument! If hat is so, why hasn’t Ghostface Killah approached Elias for beats?!!!

Elias tried to get away in the car! But the car wouldn’t move!!!

I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guys I just got an important message on Facebook… it’s the President of The Wu Worldwide DJ Coalition. I gotta take this call…

Holy smokes! Elias is probably DEAD BY NOW! Braun lick him down with the cello, then he dropped the piano on him! OH SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

BRAUN CHISELED YOUR TOMBSTONE! SLEEP WELL!!!!

If you are a gamer, you haven’t lived until you have played Fatal Fury 2… I mean, the last boss fights you in front of a live orchestra… that’s f**ked up!

Now Bray Wyatt just beat Rhyno in roughly 30 seconds… go on – COMPLAIN ON THE INTERNET NOW!!!!

Bray Wyatt just mentioned ‘Final Deletion’!

The Hardy Compound??? WHOA! ULTIMATE DELETION!!! I knew it had to go that route! YES!!!

“GET OUT? Get Out is what Kurt Angle should do with Monday Night Raw…” Miz is outta order for that!

He says Kurt is sucking up to Ronda Rousey… I don’t know about you but I would ‘suck’ up to Ronda Rousey…

GRANT BODY-P!

I like that idea! The Miztourage Vs Seth Rollins & Finn Balor? LET’S GO! I wanna see the Miz get BUSS ARSE AGAIN after talking sh!t!

THERE IT IS! TRIPLE THREAT MATCH! Miz Vs Seth Rollins Vs Finn Balor at the big BIG WrestleMania… see I’m supposed to get excited but again – you guys read the dirt sheets and spoiled everything!

Paul Heyman is here with the WWE Universal Championship in his hands!

Wait a minute – he says Brock Lesnar will soon hold BOTH the Universal Title AND the UFC Heavyweight Title? He can’t do that surely?!

Paul Heyman just called the Universal Title ‘Brock’s B!tch?’ Does that mean Brock is cheating on Sable???

Heyman says Double R cannot shoot from the hip against him or Brock! He’s likely to be right!! But Double R is here anyway!

Told Heyman straight – that next week in Detroit, just like D12… it’s FIGHT MUSIC!!!

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Monday Night Raw #1290, February 12, 2018!!!

Smack Talk Centre-Raw!!

THESE GUYS NEED AN AWARD!!!

We all bought it! We all bought it – HOOK LINE & SINKER!!!! We all bought it! Even our wrestling journalist experts bought it! Every damn one of us were made FOOLS OF!

GRANT BODY-P!

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RAW 1290! I hope it doesn’t bore me like last week! GIVE ME SOME JOKE!!! 

WHOA!!!! John Cena haters – don’t hang up your keyboards of mass destruction just yet – dude just said he’s going to big BIG WrestleMania! and if he fails… then he doesn’t have a road to WrestleMania! Y’all better hope and pray Elias wins then eh?

Wait a second – The Miz believes he can win! Hey I’m all for The Miz winning the chamber! Imagine that! Talk about fantasy and reality!!!!!

Yo Miz, from one Mike to another Mike… you DO NOT wanna face Brock! You’re going to be a FATHER…remember??!!! And last time I checked, Brock doesn’t give a sh!t about your kids!

GRANT BODY-P!

I like that idea! Make it happen Kurt! Miz Vs Cena – loser enters the chamber FIRST!!! In which case I’m backing Cena to win so that The Miz goes in first! See how fickle I am? I’m Blade dutty bwoyjust like you fools! Actually no…. to quote Blade… ‘I’M SOMETHING ELSE!!!’

Only ONE MAN has survived the Avalanche AA or the Super AA or whatever that blasted move is called and that’s AJ Styles! No way is The Miz gonna survive surely?

BLAOW!!!! 1, 2 and….. 3! The Miz b!tch @$$ gotta jump in the chamber FIRST! He will SUFFER!!! And John Cena is for the children… look at him signing autographs for the kids with special needs. You wanna hate THAT MAN for that? You’re more retarded than anybody else!

WHOA! I wasn’t even paying attention and Revival win their match against The Balding Club? I was sitting here wishing happy birthday to people on FB and I heard the 1, 2, 3 with Balding clubs shoulders to the mat looking at lights! Hahahahaha B!TCHES!

Yes Alexa I’m impressed with Mickie James too – she’s a mother and a WWE Superstar and she looks great… that is… until I come across THIS WOMAN… no she’s not a wrestler… but she’s a mother of FIVE. After two or three kids your body cannot recover again and you look like one of those guests from Jeremy Kyle but when you look like this… GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY!!! (Edd don’t even attempt to research this one!!!)

Darci carpenter

Let’s just say she is a distant associate of mine as regards to my Journalistic Hip Hop career…moving on…

Goldberg eat your heart out! Asuka – 240-0!!! NO ONE CAN BEAT HER!!! Even the Undertaker is astonished!!! But let’s be real – you’re NOT gonna see Asuka at WrestleMania for 20+ years are you?

GRANT BODY-P!

THAT IS TRUE! Had Asuka NOT relinquished the NXT Championship, god knows how much longer she would have been champion! 523 days… CM Who? GET THE F**K OUTTA HERE!

“Huge fan of Sonya Deville, she will have a great future here on Monday Night Raw…” 

Got that right Mr Greaves! She could GET IT!!!

Well so much for Sasha Vs Bayley at big BIG WrestleMania – we’re getting it now! (PAUSE)

BAYLEY WINS THE MATCH! Ok here’s the heel turn you know it alls have been waiting for!

SWITCH!!! Nia Jax attacks BOTH OF THEM!!! Ok go ahead, complain on the internet about how WWE dropped the ball again as you do!!!

GRANT BODY-P!

TODAY, I WALK WITH ELIAS!!!!! There is a first time for everything! Why wish for the Doctor of Thuganomics to come back when Elias has got it covered!

“Don’t worry Miz, those songs were not for you, they were written for MARYSE!!!”

Pregnant women don’t do it for me personally but ELIAS WANTS TO PUT IT IN!!!

WAIT – I CHANGED MY MIND!!! I’M WALKING WITH BRAUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!! Have you seen the size of that guitar? He even broke that! And he can sing in tune too!

“Well Elias says he’s gonna win, but we all know that ain’t true,

You look at me boy when I’m singing, because I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!!!

You may not notice, you may not realise,  when this song is over, you’re gonna GET THESE HANDS!”

PUT THIS ON iTUNES NOW!!!!!

Are you ready for Braun Strowman’s album to drop? If you don’t buy it you’re gonna get these hands!!! I’M DUN!!!!!

HAHAHAHA!!! Strowman lick down Elias with the dutty big guitar! BLAOW!!! That’s it – now throw him off the stage! NO? Oh well!!!

Let me take this time to congratulate Ivory on her Hall Of Fame induction! Yeah I know what you’re thinking… Chyna gets dissed again! Hey – you praise the evil Triple Teef for making NXT/WWE better, but you run him down for this… you can’t have everything!

WHOA!!! Jason Jordan forced to miss big BIG WrestleMania! HOLY SMOKES!!! The question remains – what does this mean for Seth Rollins? I think everything has changed now, JUST LIKE THAT!

Tell em Kurt! The fans should be ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES! Cheering that Jason Jordan won’t be there? What sort of people are you?

Er what? Seth doesn’t want to be apart of Monday Night Raw? Welcome to the A Show Seth! I’ve been waiting for you!

Oh maybe not! He still wants to be Universal Champion! Er… how is this gonna work?

Makes sense! I hope Seth wins the Fatal 5 Way joint! But if he does, what about Finn Balor? Er… oh dear!

Sorry Apollo! Sorry Wyatt, Sorry Matt Hardy… the Chamber needs to be DON! But I gotta say I’m glad Apollo is up in that match…

OH SNAP!!! Seth and Balor did a ‘Undertaker & Kane to Austin’! You don’t get it? Er does this mean anything to you?

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Monday Night Raw #1289, February 5, 2018!!!

Smack Talk Centre-Raw!!

Eagles Patriots Super Bowl Football

SMASHED IT.

I gotta give WWE props, I’m sure Stephanie and Triple Teef were supporting the New England Patriots… but if they turned around and gave the Philadelphia Eagles a WWE Championship belt for their Superbowl win  – PROPS. Steph and Triple WILL NOT complain on the internet…

GRANT BODY-P!

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RAW 1289! The Royal Rumble still trending on the twitter! UNHEARD OF!

Steph RawI don’t know what Bray Wyatt is laughing about – he’s fighting Double R to qualify in the Chamber…yeah he won last year… BUT THAT WAS LAST YEAR!

That’s it fools – pull out your iPhones that you break on a regular for this LOOOOOSER! You bloody sheep!

GRANT BODY-P!

Listen to the haters cheering for Bray,,,, I would be extremely shocked if Bray wins this. Matt Hardy is watching for goodness sakes!

Double R kicks out of an instant Sister Abigail… now you know the muthaf***a ain’t winning!

Just like that, with an emphatic spear… Double R wins… go on then – complain on the internet!

Finn Balor might be the most interesting cat on the roster. This dude is not in the chamber… so I wanna know where he goes next going forward.

Oh no these Revival idiots… I hope one of em gets injured again (Actually I take that back!)

Hahahahhahahahahah Revival you B!TCH!!! Finn Balor hitting the Coup De Grace – I see you wrestling purists complaining on the internet some more! Go on – let it all out!

Not even an hour in and RAW is challenging my interest – I still have a lifeline left – Jamaica ginger cake and custard….

Cruiserweight action… sigh… I’m gonna talk to my woman…

Ok – Mandy Rose – Sasha Banks – Bayley  – Sonya Deville – and Mickie James gonna test Alexa Bliss in the Chamber!

Even better – if Nia Jax can defeat Asuka…she can go to WrestleMania too! But hear the joke – Asuka hasn’t decided who she’s facing yet!

WHOA! Alexa just put Kurt Angle on BLAST! How come Brock doesn’t have to defend his title in the Chamber!!! She should be ‘Brock’s equal’ in terms of gender equality! Er Alexa… you might wanna check Brock’s contract! It’s NOT THE SAME AS YOURS!

Last time I check, Bayley got hurt crazy when she had her NXT match with Asuka… what makes her think she can beat Asuka now?

This is one of those RAW episodes where it is very wrestling driven… not much storyline build. Don’t be surprised if I find my bed halfway through.

So let’s do the knowledge – Kurt believes Asuka will fight Alexa at WM34. But Asuka nah say nuttin… Nia WON’T win her match against Asuka, but her performance will find her in the match at WrestleMania anyway. Sasha is likely to win to advance to WrestleMania thus, this will AT LEAST be a Triple Threat match.

Asuka made quicker work of Bayley than she did with Sasha I can say that much…

HOLD UP! The Miz Vs Apollo Crews – winner goes to the Chamber? COME ON APOLLO!!! This could be HUGE!

I am tired as a muthaf***a people… this wrestling sh!t is boring me… are you sure you guys want pure wrestling on your screen? I’m gonna eat this pudding, and then find my bed – I’ve been watching Nicole Snow and Sophia Lares on Edd’s favourite channels during this wrestling sh!t… word up!

God damnit… not even Black History month could save Apollo Crews… well at least we get to see The Miz get BUSS ARSE in the Chamber!

Look pon this… Jason Jordan can’t compete… but at least he found a suitable replacement… DOUBLE R!!!!

What I don’t understand is… why is Jason Jordan at ringside? I mean, unless the Bar were being teef which I don’t think they were – he doesn’t need to be out there!

His intentions were good but he got ketch by the ref!!!! You baited it up for The Shield YOU FOOL!!!! As much of a loose cannon Ambrose is, he wouldn’t have struck The Bar in front of the referee?!

Wait a minute – since when were we watching Live Wire? or Velocity, or even Wrestling Challenge??? I didn’t know that no name jobber were still a thing for Nia Jax? have the creative team gone on holiday or something? I know it’s Black History Month/J Dilla season but…

Nia Jax wants to disfigure Asuka! NO!!! I mean… can’t they come to some mutual agreement?

I hope Mickie James hasn’t broken Sonya Deville’s nose!!! Look how fine Sonya is – come on Mickie – stop this wrestling nonsense and GET IN THAT TONGUE!GRANT MARKIES BARNERS

GRANT BODY-P!

Maybe Alexa Bliss wants to get in that tongue of Mickie! Yeah I’m scratching my head too – Absolution was gonna beat down Mickie, and Alexa saved her clart??? Mickie is looking at Alexa like – A WHA DE???

If you jabronies hated the Prince fiasco at the Superbowl and complained on the internet about it, maybe you would rather walk with Elias instead? He would have done great at the Halftime joint?!!!

GRANT BODY-P!

Imagine! Elias in the Raw main event, and he combines his force with John Cena to take out the Monster Among Men…

Don’t ask me how he did it… (well I do I just watched it) but Elias will enter last in the Chamber by defeating the worn out Cena after he took a powerslam from Braun Strowman!

So er.. yeah, it was a RAW with plenty wrestling action. not much storyline and jokes… and that sort of sh!t bores me…

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Monday Night Raw #1282, December 18, 2017!!!

Smack Talk Centre-Raw!!

On this day, we celebrate the birthday of arguably WWE’s biggest superstar of all time – Stone Cold Steve Austin! We have to salute this man, he is the reason a lot of you wrestling fools are whining b!tches! He switched up the wrestling game to a point where all you wanna do is ‘go back to THAT era’… He switched up the crowd participation to the point where you still chant ‘WHAT?’ to a wack promo…to you jabronies who just cannot move on, even Austin himself has a solution…

Steve Austin cum bye ya

Kumbaya my lord… Kumbaya…

GRANT BODY-P!

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RAW 1282! ENOUGH F**K!N ABOUT… Let’s get this Royal Rumble show on the road!

Steph Raw

Now I wasn’t in effect last week, and Braun Strowman and my hero Kane tried to destroy each other… both lost the match… but this week, Brock Lesnar is here… heading to the ring with no fear… does he wanna test both of them? What happened to Finn Balor? I thought he was meant to fight Brock at the Rumble according to dirt sheets?

 

DO YOU KNOW VINNY MAC???

Well – Royal Rumble jump off – it’s a Triple threat situation, and Kurt took foot and ran!

It’s gonna be 3 monsters colliding! I hope they leave the ring in one piece in time for the Rumble… because at this point, there might not be a Royal Rumble at all!!!!

Now as I see my dude Seth Rollins, word on the street is Scott Dawson of the Revival is now cleared to wrestle…

I don’t see Scott Dawson though… I see Jason Jordan… the crowd doesn’t like that!

Jason Jordan obviously has more heart than brains! He wants to take Samoa Joe! This muthaf***a took Brock Lesnar to the edge!!!

Jason Jordan will go through Seth Rollins to get to Samoa Joe! He’s coming like scrappy-doo isn’t he!

One thing you can say about the kid…he GOES IN. He got that ruthless aggression.

While this contest rolls on, I just wanna address something real quick. If you have time to create a twitter account, focusing your energy hating on Roman Reigns & Brock Lesnar… you sir are A B!TCH, you get NO PU$$Y, the girls call you UGLY, and quite frankly, you should KILL YOURSELF. I feel bad for the Soul N Sports team on BDSIR Network who have to deal with something like this.

GRANT BODY-P!

THE GRANT SAYS THIS: Jason Jordan, I admire your tenacity and desire to reach that brass ring, you got all that experience points behind you rocking with the best… don’t you think it’s time you went after the Intercon… what  Double R is the champion? Er… OH DEAR!

WHOA! Was Bray Wyatt singing a new song other than ‘The Whole World In His Hands?’ Anyway…

I wasn’t gonna write anything on the Miztourage Vs Finn Balor but – Hideo Itami now on the main roster??? ALLLLLRIIIGGHHHHT! That’s modifications on WWE2K18 for me to do!

Mike Cole drawing out history on Hideo Itami’s TRUE debut on the main roster???? WOW!!! Stay close to your loved ones people…

GRANT BODY-P!

They referred Hideo Itami’s super move as ‘GO TO SLEEP’! Ha! Your false wrestling god is never coming back now!

Cedric Alexander says he wants to be cruiserweight champion so bad he could taste it… well THE GRANT SAYS he wants Renee Young so bad he can taste her!!

OH MY GOD!!! SOMETHING’S HAPPENING! YO YO YO! STOP IT!!!

Now while Enzo and Drew Gulak is chatting puup… why is #HellInACell trending on twitter? Have I missed something???

Turns out it was something to do with Radar Radio & DJ Argue and some grime MCs….

Anyway I should really pay attention – Enzo is at commentary… where Nia Jax at???

Vincent Kennedy giving props to Bray Wyattth! Check it out!

Screenshot-2017-12-19 Vince McMahon ( VinceMcMahon) Twitter.png

So proud of him!!! HATERZ GOT NO BARS!

Wait  – Enzo gets a text or whatsapp notification on his phone… you think Nia Jax sent him nudes of herself??? He had to disappear quick time!

Drew Gulak is straight up cock blocking Enzo here! What a b!tch!!!

Question – has Asuka hit 200 NXT/WWE wins in a row? Well THE GRANT SAYS – Alicia Fox isn’t breaking Asuka’s sexy @$$ today!

Aaaaaah sheeeeeeet! Stephanie McMahon sexy @$$ is here?!!! Maybe she gonna announce the women’s Royal Rumble??? Come on Steph – get my d!ck hard like you usually do!

GRANT BODY-P!

Suddenly I’m not interested in Woken Matt Hardy’s foolishness!

Well I be damned! The Revival are back for real!!! Let’s hope they don’t get injured again! Suddenly I don’t trust Smack Talk Centre’s Pete Dunne… I’m scared he might spoil sh!t before it happens…

Seems like The Titus Brand have finally brought Dana Brooke in as their ‘logistics consultant’ or whatever she supposed to be… Yes I smell a Dear Deidre moment too…

deidre-photo-casebook-landscape7

GRANT BODY-P!

That awkward moment when I’m no longer interested in Absolution Vs Mickie/Sasha/Bayley and I’m just waiting for Stephanie to come out…

Elias is a DUTTY BWOY! Does he really think Mickie James & Sasha Banks wanna walk with him?

 

And as for Bayley, doesn’t she know only nursery rhymes on some ring a round a rosey?

The Raw women’s locker room rushed the ring to beat up Absolution, as soon as Stephanie music hit – EVERYTHING STOP! You don’t think Absolution will beat down Stephanie as well do ya?

GRANT BODY-P!

YES! A women’s rumble! Send for the YES CHANT! Now I gotta back a chick to win!

DRTjtvRUQAAWr2z.jpg large

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Monday Night Raw #1280, December 4, 2017!!!

Smack Talk Centre-Raw!!

F**k talking about WWE right now, it was wack last week. Like Matt Hardy, DELETE LAST WEEK’S BLODCLART!

GRANT BODY-P!

RePPiN4U Overeem

Let’s talk about the YOU – EFF – CEE! Holy smokes! It was a lot better than the card on paper word up. Michelle Waterson & Tecia Torres – OWWWWWW! You two would get it. They opened the show, good fight. Then Alvarez Vs Gaethje SMASHED IT. Gaethje had the match won, but Alvarez… MAXIMUM RESPECT to him. Let’s skip the third fight because let’s be real, they knew they couldn’t follow that match. Then Overeem Vs Ngannou – The Sean Price Punch heard around the world – GOOD LORD! Sean Price would be so proud! Even I turned it into a meme! I DON’T MAKE MEMES! And Max Holloway Vs Jose Aldo… I like Aldo but he was outclassed here…

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RAW 1280! EXCITE ME! HAVE STEPHANIE SUFFER A WARDROBE MALFUNCTION! LET XAVIER WOODS INVADE RAW DURING PAIGE’S MATCH DO SOMETHING!

Steph Raw

Survival kit: Spicy Black pepper crisps, Jaffa Cakes and Drinking chocolate… do you think that’s smart on my part???

And the booing has begun against Jason Jordan! I’m waiting for the crowd to start showing signs saying ‘Die Jason Die’!

I see someone in the crowd with a ‘Paige Marry Me’ sign…you sir have no taste in women, she is a dutty whore, she gives her pu$$y away, and well, if you want to contract aids I guess that’s up to you!

Well Double R did tell Jason Jordan to step up and take the opportunity! And Double J responded with a belly to belly to Double R! I guess NOW he has the big dog’s attention!

Gotta say Jason Jordan is GOING IN against Double R!

Look at Samoa Joe doing the knowledge! Aaaah man!

I’m telling you right now – This Jason Jordan dude – if he keeps this sh!t going – he gonna be champion in 18 months time. This match kinda reminds me of The Rock Vs Kurt Angle back in 2000 and The Rock put him over… you see what I’m saying?

Oh no! Samoa Joe gonna finish the job on a mash-up Double R but Jason Jordan intervened with a suplex to Samoa Joe! But why did Double R drop superman punch to Jordan? Oh yeah – he’s not a good guy, he’s not a bad guy, he’s THE GUY!

GRANT BODY-P!

WHAT A LYRIC! “Like Father Like Son right Kurt?!” Oh snap! making reference to the TNA days!

This ugly rarse… I hope Sasha Banks busses up her clart… but while Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville are at ringside… I’m not sure Sasha can win… unless Mickie James and Bayley steps in… and remember now – they haven’t troubled Nia Jax… or Asuka!

Oh snap! Sasha has brought her back up so that there is no teefing! The girl who is nice to look at but an ugly attitude – Yes I’m talking about Alexa Blitch – is on commentary. I just want Absolution to rush Alexa and beat up her blodclart!

COME ON SASHA! Kick down this b!tch! Talking about its ‘her house’ but you’re THE BOSS LADY! You represent HIP HOP! Don’t let Snoop Dogg be disappointed that you lost to someone who likes death metal!

Damnit! Sasha hit the Bank Statement but Paige reached the ropes! Absolution was ready to teef but Mandy and Sonya were still too strong! Paige recovers and drops the Ram-Paige – BLAOW!

I never noticed this but Sonya – you got no t!tt!£$! You got two backs! Oh no! Well you are getting that WWE money now – upgrade a cup size!

GRANT BODY-P!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ELIAS!!! For the first time – he made me laugh! He told Kurt Angle to put away his cell phone and hold his applause until he has finished! What if that was a McMahon on the phone!

Wicked wow – watch out now – Machine Gun Kelly is performing at Tribute To The Troops… well I won’t be watching that sh!t – CALLING KEVIN OWENS! SORT HIM OUT!

WTF?????? Nia Jax wants a piece of Enzo Amore? WHAT IS THIS? No no no this is not allowed! Shad get in there DO SOMETHING!

NIA SELFIE

You know Shad gonna have MAJOR BEEF with Kevin Dunn & creative now!

Suddenly I’m not interested in this cruiserweight match – I wanna know wha’gwarn with Nia and Enzo! HAHAHA this is gonna be great!

That’s the second time Elias has made me laugh! Did he just point out Machine Gun Kelly and say –‘no one knows who you are’?! FANTASTIC! Respect points gone up!

OH NO! I don’t think Braun Strowman likes that tune! BRAAUUUUUUUUUN!!!!

Elias run garne!!!! Wait there – maybe not – what was he thinking attacking Strowman from behind?

He busted his guitar over Strowman and it had no effect! That time he tried to run and he got ketch! Running powerslam – BLAOW!

I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!!!

HOLD UP – My hero Kane is back! His crushed larynx has recovered!

He says they gonna clash next week… but where’s the stipulation at? Buried alive? Inferno? Even Mike Cole is asking!

Is Alicia Fox ready for Asuka? I dunno… she isn’t all there in her head!

The real question is – Is Asuka ready for the Infamous Informer?? Hey Asuka – Wait til you see my Heihachi Mishima sword!

GRANT BODY-P!

Oh no – these three idiots again… and it hurts me to say that about Sonya and Mandy…

They gonna kill Foxy! Ah well… I’m gonna miss her…GRANT WWDJC2

Paige loves Alicia… NO YOU DON’T…

Alicia – your legs did not run like last time! They turned into jelly and sh!t!

“The ramblings of a mad man…” I can’t believe Bray Wyatt said that about #Woken Matt Hardy… what de rarse?!!!! So hold up – he’s gonna delete Bray Wyatt? He might as well – Wyatt ain’t done sh!t!

GRANT BODY-P!

Apologies for not writing about the Tag Team Championship main event… I’m just waiting for the finish…

Sheamus TEEEEEEF! The Shield had the match won! But Sheamus deliberately got The Bar disqualified! But Kurt said – NOT SO EASY! YOU MUST RESTART! Now it’s a NO DQ match! That fool Booker-T doesn’t agree – but they ARE THE BAR right?

Samoa Joe – TEEF!!! He attacked The Shield for no reason! Double R came down to even the odds but by then it was already too late!

A better effort than last week… well done guys, still not up there with recent weeks, but put it this way – I didn’t find my bed halfway through…

 

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Monday Night Raw #1268 , September 18, 2017!!!

Smack Talk Centre-Raw!!

Aah man, how do I say goodbye…

We lost another wrestling legend y’all… Bobby The Brain Heenan has returned to the essence and reunited with his broadcast partner – Gorilla Monsoon. Now the HWF (Heaven Wrestling Federation) roster is finally complete. They have their champions, (Warrior, Savage, Eddie) Their mid-carders (Perfect, Rick Rude, Owen Hart) Their women’s division (Chyna, Elizabeth) Their monster heels (Umaga, Viscera) Their babyface (Dusty) their top heel (Piper) Even their jobbers (Test, Crash Holly, Junkyard Dog) and everyone in between (Bulldog, Boss Man) And GOD himself is the general manager/commissioner – he’s signing these stars!

GRANT BODY-P!

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RAW 1268! Shout out to Natalie Sawyer… damn that girl is so fine! If I had my hands on her – I’d show NO MERCY on her p-(FLATLINE!!!!)

Steph Raw

I got NO refreshments… oh lawwwwwd… this is bad news! How am I gonna make it through the show?

Yo this week’s WWF wrestling better be as hot as the feud between Grace & Sienna on Hollyoaks!

GRANT BODY-P!

Ok I missed the first few minutes so I don’t know if there was a 10 Bell salute… what I do know… is that The Miz suddenly thinks he’s father of the year just because he breed up Maryse… and tries to talk down at Kurt Angle… you think Jason Jordan can defeat the Miz for the intercontinental championship at the No Mercy joint? F**k all that – Alexa Blitch is on against all curves and no brakes – a woman Redman would be proud of in Nia Jax… with that said… I had to throw some chips on… a brotha hungry!

..and just like that… I’m already fed up – the streams are f**k!n up, reminding me not to be a cheap arse and watch Raw properly on Sky Sports… well THE GRANT SAYS – I’m gonna eat my chips… and when I’m dun, me garne ah mi bed! I know it’s the go home show leading to the PPV… but my patience worn thin. This would not happen if it was Smackdown let me tell ya!

TUESDAY MORNING

Yes jabronies I am blessed to see another day, now I’m on catch up mode with this wrestling sh!t… and what do I see? Alexa Bl!tch running away from Nia Jax… that’s your World Wrestling Federation Women’s champion, your sweetheart… f**kouttahere! No I didn’t roll out the wrong side of the bed… this is Grant every day! Who you know like Grant????

Sasha comes out to tell Alexa – get your B!TCH @$$ back in the ring! Nia Jax claps down Alexa from the other side – BLAOW!

Shout out to the Soul n Sports massive & crew – before Raw I agreed that it is now Nia’s time to become the champion… but after watching her dominant performance… er… knowing WWE’s logic… er… oh dear…

Er… BAYLEY???? She looks bex for once!!!! She actually looks like she wants to f**k Nia up! WHOA!

Well obviously it would take the combined might of Alexa, Sasha & Bayley to mash her up when all they did was shoulder block Nia into the canvas…

Where does Alexa think she’s going trying to fren up – fren up Bayley & Sasha? They gave her the Ol Dirty Bastard look – GETTOUTTAHERE!!!

ODB GETTOUTTAHERE

“Nostalgia will fade just like these WHAT chants…” Sorry Cesaro the What chant will live forever… it cannot be stopped! It will only get stronger!

I gotta agree with Ambrose – Ii wouldn’t let my brothers dressed like battyman wannabe T-800s!

GRANT BODY-P!

I like The Shield’s formation suicide dives! That’s cool!!!! The Bar or The Club was not ready for that sh!t!

The Club lose again… oh god damnit this is the match we should have at No Mercy… what the blodclaaat! The Club should have won that sh!t to make things interesting… but nooooooo….

114 match losing streak??? If Apollo Crews loses to Curt Hawkins… then I will review my Raw card… but that sexy @$$ Asuka is coming though… she might be the saving grace…

Spinning spin out powerbomb – BLAOW! Now Hawkins is 0-115!

Wait a second – did Double R cuss bad words?!!!! How can you fools not like this guy? Oh yeah I forgot – you are all BUZZARDS with iPhoneXs lighting that sh!t up when a blubbering idiot walks to the ring with his flashlight!

GRANT BODY-P!

Double R bring up old sh!t about Cena running down The Rock… Aaah good times hahaa!

no_mercy_rendered-5805b3c8abc10195cce3ec0ebfb18b02

See that’s the only time Double R can get one up on Cena – when Cena is not here… five years later Cena is doing the same sh!t The Rock is doing… y’all know me – I’m Team Bring It all day… but Double R said something that made me think – maybe he shot himself in the foot – Cena believed he would beat The Rock at WrestleMania 28 – that went wrong… Double R cuts a similar promo like Cena did 5 five years ago – I have a feeling Cena gonna beat Double R and that’s gonna bring doubt and bad vibes in Double R’s Psyche… YES – that’s how it’s going – Cena wins… it eats away at Double R and consumes him until they have their rematch! That’s my prediction right there!

Massive big ups to Bobby The Brain Heenan. I will keep it 100 like I always do – Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler will always be my favourite commentary team of all time… but Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan were the original commentary team, not just that – you look at all the sketches they did back in the day – you don’t get that sh!t now word up. You won’t hear me say ‘he’s the greatest that ever did it’ unless I am a true fan – Ok I put it to you… in all the times you have read my blogs or listened to my podcasts on BDSIR Network – when have you heard me hold Heenan in high regard? Outside of the Royal Rumble 92 special show me and Shad did? Just keeping it 100…

Dustin Rhodes? So he’s now the artist formerly known as Goldust again? Oh no that became a horror story last time that happened!

Don’t worry I get it – it’s playing off the storyline Wyatt got with Finn Balor – I already did the knowledge!

Yo Rhodes is going IN on Wyatt! ‘Next Undertaker my dutty foot!’

…then he went in – right into a Sister Abigail – BLAOW! Er.. oh dear…

Finn Balor now on that cryptic sh!t! Oh Bray, you wonder why I refuse to light up my phone when you come out to the ring…

GRANT BODY-P!

So this six-pack challenge thing – Elias Vs Double J vs Hardy Boyz Vs Miztourage  winner fights the Miz at No Mercy? YAWN…. NEXT!!!

The Miz is so TEEEEEF! He doesn’t want Jeff Hardy or Jason Jordan to win! They need to kick him down and get him out of the equation!

OHHHH The Miz has done it now! He just called Jason Jordan a ‘Jon Snow’! he can’t do that! Oh boy – backing Double J all the way here… but that Miz is SO TEEF!!! Calling it now – Double J wins by disqualification, Jason Jordan gets bex, the Miztourage beats on him… then finally Kurt comes out, and hits the olympic slam on the Miz… either that or tries to break the ankle…

WHAAAAAAHAHAHA!!!! “I will feel great after I beat Neville at No Mercy how you doin?”
Did you see Enzo’s face when he heard – BRAUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!! Braun just boxed him down one time – BLAOW!!!GRANT WU TANG FOREVER

Braun picked up Enzo one hand – CHOKESLAAAAAAM! BLAOW! I don’t think Enzo gonna make it to No Mercy now! Neville must be deddin!

The running powerslam!!! BRAUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!! Holy smokes! Enzo is probably dead by now!

There was NO NEED for that Red Arrow super move Neville!!! Oh my days that was funny!

Let’s keep on this Braun sh!t! He says he’s gonna take Suplex City and stomp it to the ground! Better listen to him Heyman… or ELSE!

Oh man – if I was the referee – I would let Brock & Braun go at it – a simple wrestling match just won’t do boys and girls!

Paul Heyman is straight exposing Mike Cole as the wack journalist that he is! Mike Cole you wack homes!

Brock is thanking Braun for coming at him like this! Remember boys and girls – don’t complain on the internet!

 

 

JAMMS

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